GIRL STUFF PDF Print E-mail

I went to the gym today and now I am actually lying to the stair-master about my age and weight!

Ifyou're going to lie about your age, lie older… it works better.  Now Itell everyone I'm 54. They're like, "You're 54? You look fantastic!"I'm like "Thanks. It's Clinique. Ok, I got a face-lift. Ok, so thisisn't my real HEAD!"

 
 
MEN AND DATING PDF Print E-mail

 

I have a problem when I go out with guys that I'm attracted to because I hear what I want to hear. Like when I went out with this guy and he said he didn't like monogamy but I heard he didn't like mahogany. Then I went out with another guy who said he was 22, but I heard he wanted to settle down and provide for me and my son. Then I went out with another guy who said he'd call me tomorrow, but I heard he'd call me TOMORROW!

I hate breaking up. I wish it was like it was in sixth grade.  Remember the good old dayswhen you broke up with your boyfriend and all you had to do was moveyour desk?!

 
 
BEING A MOM PDF Print E-mail

I thought parenting was going to come naturally to me because I raised my mother.

It's hard being a positive role model for your kids. I try. I get up every morning at 6am all smiley and happy and when I put my son on the school bus I go
" bye, bye sweetie, now try not to end up as fucked up as me."

My son is 9, going on 45, and he listens to 1010 WINS in the morning to check
the traffic and weather before going to school, and just the othermorning he says to me: "Now Mom, I thought we RESOLVED this last week.No French toast on the weekdays. I get bloated on the bus and then Iget gassy!"  Oh my god! I'm raising an old Jew! Then we're walking downthe street, and he stops suddenly and I'm like "Joshua, what's thematter?" And he says, "Oh my god Mom! I just threw my back out!" Whatam I living with here, Alan Arkin?

 
 
MY MOTHER! PDF Print E-mail

could never get plastic surgery because I would expect it to solve all my problems. I would say to the doctor: "Can you remove my head? Then can you remove the voices inside my head? And then can you remove my mother from my ass!
Now that would worth going under the knife for.

Mymother is so needy.  When we're on the phone she gets jealous duringcall waiting.  We're talking, I get a beep and she says, "WHO COULDTHAT BE CALLING YOU WHEN YOU'RE TALKING TO ME?!" I say, "I don't know.""YOU DON"T KNOW?!! "  
So I tell her: "Alright Ma, you caught me, it's my other Mother, the one I LOVE!"